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Never assume the person is your soul
mate immediately upon meeting or shortly thereafter.
Do not forget about your life, your friends,
your self-care.
Do not reveal everything early on, to
test your partner with your worst behaviour.
Try to acknowledge things about your
partner that do not mesh with your values, lifestyle, and
belief system – reality check!
Give yourselves space. It’s good
to like someone, and want to be with them - but there is a
fine line between enjoying your moments together, and being
possessive or ‘clingy’.
Do not ignore behaviour that crosses
your boundaries or hurts your feelings – discuss it,
so your partner understands what is acceptable to you.
Try not to push the relationship forward
and demand that it go deeper, in spite of where your partner
is emotionally.
Don't cling, demand or beg for attention.
Don't manipulate or ask
leading questions. When you manipulate, what you get is not
given freely.
Don't marry him or her
in your head - when you are barely dating, yet already walking
to the altar in your head, it shows. Enjoy the process of
dating, and let it take its course.
Don't expect to be saved or fixed -
everyone has something they are trying to improve in their
life. Relying on a new partner in the process of this improvement
is unattractive. Try to solve your troubles without needing
the help of a new relationship partner.
Don't give up yourself, your opinions,
and your values. Someone is attracted to you because of who
you are - remain yourself as your new partner gets to know
you.
Don't play games - be honest. Honesty
does not mean revealing the details about the worst of your
past on the first date. It does mean being honest about your
goals, priorities, intentions, wants, etc.
A relationship is just like any other
being, it needs love, caring, nurturing, space, and time.
Learn how to let go. Holding on to resentments
destroys the intimacy in all relationships. Resolve to have
resolution - and let go.
Always be Honest - a relationship is
built on trust. If you cannot trust your partner, or your
partner cannot trust you, then there is no foundation for
the relationship. When someone tells you something honestly,
even if it hurts, step back and realise that it was probably
difficult for the person to tell you the information. Make
sure you react to the news, and not the sender, or you reinforce
the idea that this person should avoid telling you truths
if they think you won’t like.
Listen without criticism - it is probably
one of the hardest skills to master, but it is also one of
the most important. Try to listen to what your partner is
saying without jumping in and criticising him or her. Just
listen, and accept, and try to understand your partner’s
point of view.
Say you’re sorry - it’s
not always easy to do. However, if you’ve betrayed someone’s
trust, think about what you’ve done. Explain to your
partner that you are truly sorry for that betrayal.
Try not to compare your partner with
past lovers - no person can ever be great at every single
thing, or be all things to you.
Long-term relationships involve making
sacrifices, being kind, learning to listen, learning to truly
forgive, learning the fine art of compromise, and a multitude
of other skills. Love might conquer all - but only in combination
with commitment, perseverance, and a willingness to learn.
Love is a decision. When
we realize this, we can decide, indeed must decide, sometimes
as often as moment to moment, that "Yes, I choose to
love this person." This is especially true when we do
not ‘feel’ like it.
Quite a few of us tend to drag up past
injuries or hurts when we argue with our partner. This only
adds unnecessary fuel to the fire. Make a pact with each other
- agree that you will both make an effort to avoid arguing
about more than one subject at a time.
During discussions, when your partner
has finished talking about a particular point, repeat back
to him or her what it is you heard them say. Then give them
a chance to respond and clarify what it was they were trying
to tell you. Remember that what you heard them say may not
have been what they intended to tell you.
Know yourself, and clarify expectations
- draw up a blueprint of what you agree your relationship
should look like, and set mutual interim goals.
Never give out of obligation or make
your partner give out of obligation. Give and receive with
an open heart and open hands, not a strangle hold.
Pay attention to and express appreciation
for positive things your partner says or does--no matter how
small!
Acknowledge your partner's feelings
- You don't have to agree with someone to acknowledge and
understand how they feel.
Talk about your lives growing up. Share
with one another your memories. Childhood makes us who we
are as adults - you can really get in touch with each other
by sharing your memories.
You don't have to have a marriage or
relationship like your parents’ – or anyone else,
for that matter. It's your relationship. You don't have to
have the white picket fence with 2.3 children and 1.9 pets.
It's a personal love relationship; make your own relationship
into what nurtures both of you.
Don't Skirt Issues - typical methods
of avoiding issues: Escaping into pleasure (substance abuse,
food, sports, etc.) Escaping into work (long hours at work,
taking work home, frequent voluntary trips, etc.) Escaping
into hobbies at the expense of the relationship. While these
things may not be problems in themselves, the point here is
not to abuse these things to avoid dealing with your issues.
Honestly look at the
things YOU do that you know are not helpful to the relationship.
If you want something different, you need to do something
different! Ask very specifically for what you need and say
'why' it is important to you. Your partner cannot read your
mind, and actually experiences life differently than you do!
No matter how tempting, try not to make
sweeping generalisations like "You never...," "You
are always...," "You are such a...." Besides
the fact that they are not true (no one does the same thing
all the time, in every situation), they are hurtful statements
that leave people feeling bad about themselves, and can feed
into a lack of motivation for change. "If I never do
anything right, why bother?"
If you need to confront an issue, this
is a helpful formula to use when talking to your partner:
“When you...”(describe behaviour in neutral terms),
“I feel...”(describe feelings without blaming),
and “I would like to ask that you...”(make your
request about a concrete behavioural change).
Take time out - when a conflict is not
going anywhere, it can help to take some time away from your
partner. Couples usually make up rules about time out, such
as don't leave the house, and having a set amount of time
for the time out, like 30 minutes, before checking back in
with each other about whether or not they can continue the
discussion. In cars, time out can just mean that no one talks
for a set amount of time. Either partner can call time out,
and it should mean immediate silence for an agreed-upon time.
It is always better to have the amount of time set prior to
an argument, or you will argue about that! Some couples don't
set a specific amount of time, but remain silent for a while,
and when they have calmed down enough to feel compassion,
they either continue the conversation or agree to let it go
for now.
Accept your partner the way she/he is.
This doesn't mean that you don't ask her/him for behavioural
changes, or that you accept, for example, being yelled at.
It just means that you accept your partner as a person, and
believe in her/his good intentions - really accepting someone
can bring out the best in them.
Do your best to go to bed at the same
time. Before sleeping remind yourself about some things you
admire in your partner. Now spend some time holding, cuddling,
kissing. If one of you really does have extra work to do,
then get up and attend to it after this special time of togetherness.
Make a Weekly Date: Give yourselves
a couple of consecutive hours a week where you can talk about
whatever seems important to spend time on. It might start
by discussing an on-going house or garden project, or planning
a holiday. There may be some aspect of your relationship that
needs special attention. Try to allow some time in these two
hours where there is no particular topic at all ….be
together rather than do together.
If day-to-day life has allowed you to
drift apart, set aside a ‘together day’ every
week. Developing common interests will help.
Financial habits can make or break a
relationship. Set up a budget and then try to stay within
your budget. Put so much aside into a savings account, each
month, even if it seems a measly amount. This gets you into
the habit of saving, and watching areas where you could economize
even more.
Draw up a contract just like a business
arrangement, where you list all the jobs that have to be done,
and when they have to be completed. That way everything gets
done on a routine basis. This leaves no room for arguments
about who should do what. Set aside one hour a night when
you both work at your routines set for that day. You work
together, you finish together and then you have time for each
other.
Keep your separate personalities. Both
men and women are different and therefore should retain their
own likes and dislikes. But, show respect for your mate’s
interests and the time set for your mate to spend with friends.
Always respect each other’s belief systems - no two
people think the exact same way.
Don't go to bed angry. Although there
may be times when sleep is more important than making up,
try to go to bed on a good note by saying something like,
"I'm still angry about this issue, but I'm tired and
want to go to sleep. I'd like to talk about this later. I
still love you. I will always love you, and I'm glad we are
together."
Don't fight in front of other people.
It embarrasses you both and undermines your relationship.
It also may prevent you from being completely honest. If issues
come up while company is present, either go into a separate
room to talk, or agree to discuss the issues later.
Surprises can be fun – be spontaneous.
Surprise your mate with a special evening once in a while.
If you’re planning a love nest time at home, have their
favourite meal prepared, set a romantic tone with candles,
favourite scent, wine and music. For an extra added twist,
consider setting everything up outside, under the evening
stars. Or turn your living room into a dance floor, your kitchen
into a restaurant, and your bedroom into a hotel room. Remember
this is their special night. Then sometime let them reciprocate
by taking you out to your favourite restaurant. It’s
special, little surprises and treats like these, which spark
a relationship, and keep the romance alive.
Sharing keeps love alive. Couples need
to share the good times as well as the bad times that inevitably
happen in every relationship. It's easy to share the wealth,
happiness, and joy, when life smiles upon us, but we must
also stand by our partners through the storms of financial
hardships, illness, and strife.
Trust each other. Without trust, there
is no love and no relationship. Deceit and love cannot coexist.
Compatibility is vital, yet it is something
that many relationships lack. In a relationship you must know
your own needs, plus the needs of your mate. If one is not
satisfied a strain will be felt in the relationship. It is
impossible to like everything your mate does, however too
many different interests and tastes will weaken the bond.
Compatibility will never be perfect.
We are all imperfect, and have faults. Some of these faults
we see early, and others not until later. The couple that
is truly compatible and have developed a friendship, will
deal with problems accordingly. The love must be strong enough
to endure, and the good must outweigh the bad. This results
in a strong, solid foundation.
Have a journal in a prominent place.
Write each other love notes about anything, including what
you love about each other, memories of your first date, or
a thank-you for completed chores or tasks.
Laughter is the best
medicine. The couple who laugh together, stay together. Keep
humour in the house and don’t take life too seriously.
You might as well make it fun. |
