One of the perplexing things about dating is that your partner will sometimes reveal markedly different parts of themselves at different times. One day you are delighted by their charm and thoughtfulness; the next, devastated by their stubbornness, rigidity and inappropriate expressions of feelings. How and why does this happen? And what can singles do to keep themselves emotionally safe from hurtful surprises as they traverse the stages of developing relationships?

All of us possess many different sub-personalities. Among the most common of these are three distinct selves or sub-parts of our personalities that explain the often contradictory behaviour that can occur as a new relationship develops. We all need each of these parts to survive and thrive in the world, and each part can be expressed in a healthy or unhealthy way. Let’s discuss each of these parts and how they interact.

The first part is the Rational, Practical Persona. This is the part that presents an appropriate mask to the world and is concerned with maintaining a certain image or status. This part thinks logically and analytically about life and relationships. It’s intelligent, thoughtful, linear, methodical, functional, practical and goal-directed. The Rational, Practical Persona never acts impulsively or irrationally.

The second part is the Alive, Loving Self. This is the part of you that feels totally alive, present and spontaneous, that genuinely wants a deep, intimate connection with others. This Self is willing and able to take risks, is playful, fun-loving and bursting with energy and feelings. It is never concerned with whether something makes ‘sense’ or is practical, and is very expansive, imaginative and visionary.

The third part is the Wounded, Fearful Self. This is the part that has experienced the inevitable emotional wounds, hurts and disappointments of growing up. These wounds may be mild, moderate or severe, and are the repository of inadequacies, frailties, vulnerabilities and shame. This part is limited in its capacity for growth and change without outside help, because it has developed a variety of strategies, shields and compensatory mechanisms to keep itself safe to avoid further wounding.

This Self functions as your ‘emotional thermostat’, striving to keep your emotional life stable, similar, and familiar. In fact, it continually strives to re-create or maintain whatever emotional experiences from the past, whether they were loving, chaotic, distant or hurtful.

So how do these three parts interact and change as a dating relationship develops? Well initially, the Alive, Loving Selves come out as fully as they ever will when people first meet. They dance and play and exude aliveness, spontaneity and fun, and desire closeness.

Unfortunately, in most relationships this phase is temporary because the Rational, Practical Persona and the Wounded, Fearful Self quickly team up to put a lid on the Alive, Loving Self’s playtime. As more closeness develops, the alarms of the Wounded, Fearful Self go off and self-protection takes over. Intimacy equals vulnerability equals risk – and the Wounded, Fearful Self cannot tolerate the chance of being hurt again. The Alive, Loving Self is partially or completely shut down, leaving the Rational, Practical Persona to take over and make relationship decisions.

Suddenly someone who wanted to see you every day has to work late three nights a week, or no longer wants to talk about "the future". Or, out of the blue, you encounter anger or resistance when you want to do things to bring the relationship closer.

In most cases you fall in love with someone’s Alive, Loving Self but end up dating, living with or married to their Wounded, Fearful Self and Rational, Practical Persona. Thus a crucial task of conscious dating is to understand the nature of your partner’s Wounded, Fearful self. Are they aware of this part of themselves? Have they worked on healing it? How pervasive is it now in their life?

So when dating it’s wise to open your heart gradually, until you get a sense of all parts of your partner. Honour the needs of all parts of yourself as well. Don't commit until you feel you have an idea of which of your parts is for your dating partner. This will help avoid any hurtful surprises and allow you to be fully present to the unique journey of awakening that the dance of love can provide.

Link: www.relationship-institute.com