Whenever you run into situations in which you are dealing with negative information, there are three appropriate responses. You may choose to use only one, but use all three if the situation requires a more thorough response. In the end, there is no substitute for your best judgement. Normal responses - but exactly what not to do - is to get defensive, angry, depressed, or seek revenge.

To gracefully, tactfully, and diplomatically turn the criticism around, you may:

Ask for details or specifics

Ask the person to fully explain the nature of the criticism using open-ended questions such as who, what, when, where, why or how. You don’t want your questions to sound like an interrogation, but you also want to know the breadth and depth of the criticism so that you can address it completely and accurately. There is a tendency for criticisms to become exaggerated in the retelling so it’s important to understand the current version in your critic’s mind.

Agree with the critic’s right to an opinion

" Mr. Critic is entitled to his thoughts on the matter."

Self-Disclose

You can add to this response, if appropriate, by self-disclosing or explaining your situation. For example, "Unfortunately Mr. Critic was unaware of the complex circumstances. Had s/he known all the details, they would have done what we did."

This gives an opportunity for you to explain your procedures, what took place, etc. to ease the mind of your critic. It’s very important to keep your voice in a calm, "explanatory" tone because there is a fine line between explaining yourself and sounding defensive.

It’s all in how you say it and how you look when delivering your words. Your voice accounts for 38% of the impact of your message, and how you look (facial expressions, eye contact etc.) accounts for 55%. Together, your non-verbal signals impact 93% of the message you deliver. Choose your words carefully, but, more importantly, keep your delivery style calm and professional.

Other hints:

Consider the validity before responding. Choose your response carefully - the right blend of verbal, vocal and visual control.Respond to what is being said and not what you think is implied (Get the facts.)Realise that criticism of behaviour is not a rejection of you as a person

Lorna Riley, CSP, is the president of the American Training Association. She can be reached atlorna@lornariley.com