Partners can manage conflict and differences without despair or threats if:

• Both partners protect and nourish the relationship and make it a priority (by not being addicted to work for example).
• Both partners know how to be responsible for own needs and also for the care of the relationship.
• Both partners feel "special" to the other, i.e. arguments or fights do not lead to abuse or threatened break-ups.
• Both partners can communicate wants, needs, feelings and emotional issues with little or no shame.
• There is unconditional love, if not unconditional agreement.
• The relationship feels and is nurturing, comfortable, and fun.
• Both partners attend to the needs of each other willingly and lovingly.
• The sexual relationship works well and is mutually satisfying.
• Both partners can and do keep agreements (this is called maturity)
• Both partners are honest.
• There is no abuse: physical, verbal, emotional (i.e. ignoring)
• Both partners have boundaries.
• Each person can say "no" to requests from their partner when necessary without feeling guilty, and tell their partner when something feels not right or hurts them.
• People pleasing is kept to a minimum and neither one feels they are making a "great sacrifice" to stay in the relationship.
• Each person is able to do their work, attend to their children and care for other aspects of their life without threatening the relationship.
• Partners can hear feedback from each other that they may be projecting old relationship fears onto the current one.
• There is commitment: exits are blocked

Nancy Wesson, Ph.D: e-mail nwesson@wespsych.com