Everywhere we look in today’s world, we hear about people expressing anger, often in a destructive, inappropriate way. "Rage" used to be a term reserved for strange, out-of-control people, but now we have road rage, workplace rage and even aeroplane rage. Violent outbursts are commonplace on TV talk shows. Gun rampages in public places have become a typical news event. What’s going on? Our culture has a bizarre relationship with the energy of anger and its expression as violence. In our consumer lifestyle, we know that violence sells. The promotion of violence is a multi-billion pound business, affecting virtually every aspect of our lives. Think for a moment about the expressions of violence on TV, movies, video games, professional sports, and many forms of recreation.

We teach children to not hit their siblings and then roar in delight at the bone-crushing tackle in a rugby game. The top stories on our local news are often nothing more than a review of the most sensationally violent acts in our community.

This is some evidence that we carry out what we learn through the media, where violence is often presented with few realistic consequences.  Studies by George Gerbner, Ph.D., at the Universityof Pennsylvania, have shown that children who watch a lot of television are more likely to think that the world is a mean and dangerous place.  They become less sensitive to the pain and suffering of others and they are more likely to behave in aggressive or harmful ways.With adults, people who cannot deal appropriately with their anger teach their children that violence is an acceptable way to deal with conflict. Men who have witnessed their parents' domestic violence are three times more likely to abuse their own wives than children of non- violent parents. The sons of the most violent parents are 1,000 times more likely to become perpetrators of violent acts toward women.

So why, as a culture, do we teach, promote, and model destructive, inappropriate, unrealistic expressions of anger? We are fascinated with anger and violence because we are terrified of and uncomfortable with our own power. As a culture, we try to be nice, to make believe that we are not angry people, and harshly judge others that are. Our anger is the shadow side of the positive, upbeat, prosperous psyche.  Violence sells because it is tapping into a deeply repressed aspect of that psyche.

We tuck our anger away in the darkest, most shameful recesses of our minds, and then are horrified when it comes blasting out. Yet it is a fundamental principle of psychology that whatever we disown, cut off or otherwise repress, becomes stronger and eventually will force us to recognise its existence by coming to the surface in a distorted, exaggerated or impulsive manner.

So if there is an answer to this issue of anger and violence, it is that we all must recognise, befriend and own our own power, our potential for anger and even violence, and come to terms with that energy.   Anger can be harnessed and channelled in any number of ways, some of them very constructive. But that can only happen if we’re willing to look our own anger straight in the eye without fear, denial or minimisation.  Anger is the elephant in our collective living rooms that no one wants to talk about other than in harsh, judgmental terms about other people.

Anger Management

Anger is a natural response to threats.   It inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviours that allow us to fight and defend ourselves when attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary for our survival. On the other hand, we obviously can't lash out at every person or object that irritates us.

So expressing your angry feelings in an assertive, not aggressive, manner is healthiest.  To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.

The goal of any type of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physical arousal that anger causes. While you can’t always change the situations or people that upset you, you can learn to control your reactions. Here are some great tools to try:

Relaxation

Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. Books such as The Relaxation Response by Herbert Benson are excellent sources for instruction in meditation and relaxation. Once you learn the techniques, you can use them anywhere to quickly calm down.

For additional help with relaxation, practice breathing deeply from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest doesn’t tend to elicit nearly as deep a sensation of relaxation. Picture your breath coming up from your diaphragm while you slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply and concentrating on your breath.

Use imagery: visualise a relaxing experience, from either memory or imagination, with as many senses involved as possible. Hatha yoga is also a great method for relaxing your muscles and making you feel much calmer.

Change your thoughts

Angry people tend to think negative, critical thoughts about themselves or others. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated, overly dramatic and irrational. Try replacing these thoughts with more positive and rational ones. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).

Also, when angry, people often feel victimised. So it’s helpful to reflect on what’s happening and take responsibility for whatever you are doing to partially create the situation that frustrates you.

Communicate as soon as you calm down

When angry, people make assumptions that may not be true about others’ intentions. So slow down, calm down, and speak clearly about whatever it is that is frustrating you to the person(s) involved. Talk about your feelings and perceptions rather than blaming others. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.

Take time for yourself

Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day or days of the week that are particularly stressful.   An example is the woman who insists that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to me unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels prepared to handle demands from her kids and husband without yelling at them.

Anger is an expression of our life force. When manifest in an appropriate manner, it can be an intelligent expression and reaction to the circumstances of our lives. When we befriend our anger, we tame its impulsive expression and give ourselves a valuable tool to create constructive change.

Link: www.relationship-institute.com