Following the heartbreak that comes with either the death of a beloved partner or a failed relationship, how do you face a future that you never wanted or envisioned?

Only with a commitment to leave the past resolutely behind  can anyone begin to recover.    It  is always tough, but it can be done by realising that that phase of your life is over. No matter why the old one ended, or how much you didn’t want it to, your new life has started. Now you have to look ahead and start to take responsibility for making it a good one. 

With either bereavement or a failed relationship, the stages of shock, denial, grief and  anger have to be faced, accepted and lived through.  The pain can be intense and  it will take time before you start feeling anywhere near normal again, so help yourself by accepting support from family, friends and colleagues.  And if you tip over into depression, see your GP and get help from there.

Although being social may be the last thing you feel like, keeping yourself occupied is essential.  As you recover, you'll start feeling more interested in meeting new people.  It may feel difficult, but it is achievable - especially with practice.

If necessary, force yourself to take up a new interest,  or try volunteer work to help you  meet like-minded people in your area.   Most importantly, set new goals. Write a list of those things you always wanted to do but never got around to - travel plans, adventurous activities, redecoration schemes - that will help you get excited about your new life.

Try to be optimistic about your new life. It may not seem as though you will ever find your way through this, never mind enjoy it. But pain does pass.

Once you've started to socialise again, you may begin to meet potential new partners. However, you can feel so battered by events that you can't imagine dating. You probably feel insecure about your looks, worried about what you'll talk about or panicked that you'll be asked to leap straight into bed - all quite natural insecurities.

For one thing, you almost certainly look better than you think, and the more confidence you develop, the more attractive you’ll be. So walk tall, look people in the eye, smile, and knock 'em dead!

Regard those you meet first as a prospective friend rather than a potential date, bearing in mind that almost everyone feels vulnerable in some way - just like you.  So while you’re busy wondering what other people think of you, they are busy wondering what you think of them.   You can work with that knowledge by helping them feel better:  approach them, be friendly, ask questions, compliment them. Then, not only will they like you, but you’ll  be too busy to worry about yourself

Be careful not to get involved in a relationship too quickly.   In particular, don't feel pressured into a physical relationship because, while you may want love, he or she may only want sex - often  the last thing you need if you are emotionally fragile. Only make love when you want to, and are mentally ready.

Talking of emotional vulnerability, be aware that falling in love “on the rebound” can result in making the wrong choices.  Besides, being single can have positive effects in terms of building self-reliance and a sense of empowerment so that, when the time does come, you can have confidence in your judgement.

So how will you know when the right partner comes along? It certainly won't be just because you are in love or in lust.  Those are wonderful feelings, but you need real compatibility for the relationship to last. The key signs of compatibility are having fun together, respecting each other, being able to rely on each other, and having the same general life goals and values.  So long as there are no huge issues - gambling, addiction, already married - and your instincts tell you “this is right,” - it probably is.